Requiem for a Dream

How a favourite musical motivator broke my heart

Have you ever been enticed to watch a film because the eponymous title music was so compelling? I have, and it was one of the most horrendously terrible decisions I have ever made. Mentally and emotionally drained and in pain. Requiem for a Dream tore out my heart, stripped my soul, and destroyed my mind for the best part of three days.

I listen to music most of the time. When I’m working (writing), I tend to prefer instrumental music like the themes from Game of Thrones or Sherlock Holmes movies (Robert Downey Jr.). One of my favourite pieces has always been Requiem for a Dream. The repetitive, but gradually building tempo has always made the writing process smoother and more streamlined. I’ll be fair, it seems to hit all the points in my brain to make it more efficient.

Until the beginning of this week, I had never seen the film, and I desperately wish this was still true.

Difficult to Watch and Even Harder to process

I was struggling to concentrate on the piece that I was doing, and I couldn’t settle to anything else, either, so I decided to take a break. As I had been listening to Requiem for a Dream, or Lux Aeterna if we’re being specific (my go to when the words don’t seem to want to flow), I decided to watch the film.

I wasn’t completely unprepared, I had a vague notion of the content and themes explored in the film, but I had no concept of how it would affect me.

I have never been a hard substance abuser, but I’ve had my share of addictive behaviours. While I could sympathise with the three heroin addicts, Harry, Marion and Tyrone, their situation didn’t resonate as much as that of Sara Goldfarb.

The desire to lose weight, the feeling you get from achieving it, the renewal of self-esteem… it’s all a high.

Her descent into psychosis and vegetation is one of the most soul-shredding experiences to witness.

Tapping into my fear

One of my most terrifying fears is losing my mind or my sanity. I have a mental health history that is less than stellar, but I also had a brief period of losing parts of my mind, and never want to experience it again. I have such a visceral fear of ever being the position of losing parts of myself (haha, parts of my body I could probably cope with), anything such as dementia or Alzheimer’s or traumatic brain injury, petrify me beyond reason.

I’m a writer, but I also tell stories and create things in my mind, I live in my head most of the day. What would I be if parts of that began to disappear or disintegrate into madness? Who would I be? Would I still be me, lost in the mire of insanity, and soul-loss, unable to escape?

Would I lose the parts of me that include the people who are most important to me? Would I lose them? My husband, my son, my sister, my brother, my parents, the people that shaped me into a person that I’m really not all that unhappy with. The people so important to me, that I wanted to be better for them because they deserve the best person that I can be. I love them.

Four days later, and I am still getting palpitations and shortness of breath from thinking about it. Panic and anxiety sending me spinning through a mind-storm of uncontrollable emotions, with the repetitive refrain of Lux Aeterna playing in a loop in my head. My left pinky-finger tapping out the same refrain on the side of my keyboard.

Sara Goldfarb/Ellen Burstyn tears our my heart, stomps on it, and them scours out my soul with wire wool.

However, she is not the only character that steals my breath and crushes my heart

While the loss of mind/self is my most paralysing fear when you list the things that scare me, losing my soul (I define this as the part of me that cares) and losing my freedom are pretty high on the list. I don’t fear to lose a body part, although it’s not high on my list of things to do, either

Winter Has Come

The last chapter, when everything has turned to dust and ashes, the end of everything, the death of the dream. The part of the film that shows, quick flashes and brutal imagery, the painful and agonising destruction of hope. Moreover, the part of the film that has Lux Aeterna as its accompaniment.

Marion sells her soul and her body for the high, she no longer cares about anything, not her designs, not Harry, not her self-esteem, all shame is gone in the blinding light of the high. There is no dream left.

Tyrone loses his freedom and submits to the crushing and demeaning treatment of the racist and dehumanising prison system.

Harry, loses freedom, the love of his partner, and his arm.

Sara has lost her mind.

Aside from Marion, who has set aside any part of her that cares, the other three find the most important dream they ever had. The end of the film shows the dream they have now, after the loss of everything else. Sara dreams of her son, settled, loving, and successful. Harry dreams of Marion, the woman he loves. Tyrone dreams of loving his mama and making her proud.

Simple dreams, and probably the most significant ones they have ever had, the ones that connect them to the people they love.

Regrets, but not Regrets

You have no idea how much I regret watching this movie. At home alone, trying to find full-time work, freelancing, and keeping my personal projects moving, all the while feeling like a failure. I have to admit that the timing was spectacularly poor. The ‘black dog’ had already been creeping around but watching this film invited it to jump me from a dark alleyway.

I have learned my lesson if I have an emotional response to music (specifically a soundtrack) I am not allowed to watch the movie unless I already know what is going on. Another of my favourite musical pieces is Adagio for Strings, from the movie Platoon. I will NOT be watching that film anytime soon.

I am not sorry that I watched Requiem for a Dream, it has to be one of the most powerful and emotionally eviscerating movies I have ever seen. The cinematography, screen effects, and spectacular character portrayal that so graphically portray mental, chemical and emotional turmoil, make this movie a work of art. It’s a disturbing work of art, but art nonetheless.

Soul Scarred

I won’t be listening to the soundtrack again for a long time. The refrain still keeps playing in the back of my mind, and a rolling montage pays along with it. I’ve barely slept since I watched the film, my deepest and cruellest fears are too near the surface for me to relax.

I’m hoping that I have found some peace now, a catharsis or release of tension. The tears have dried on my face and my left pinky-finger has stopped tapping the tune. My heart is no longer racing but still feels heavy with sadness.

This too shall pass, but I’m unlikely to EVER forget